No, really. It is.
I often wonder what people think of me. I am well aware that this is none of my business, but still... I am curious. It's not for the usual reasons, either. I don't seek any sort of ego boost or validation that people like me. I don't care if they think I'm cool or pretty or anything superficial like that. I am who I am and I am okay with me. I do wonder if they think I care about them, though. Because I do.
And so, if you have ever left any sort of interaction with me feeling like I don't care about you, 1) I am so sorry and 2) it's not you. It's me. I care about you a lot.
I am really, really socially awkward. Truly. Some days I fake it better than others. But every single social interaction is excruciatingly awkward for me (and probably for you, too... sorry about that). It doesn't matter if I've known you for years or minutes, it just is what it is.
There are some people who naturally know what to say to people. Small talk comes easily for them and they can chit chat all day long. They ask good questions and make pleasant conversation. I am not one of those people. I see someone look in my direction and my internal dialogue usually goes something like this: Oh crap. That person just looked at me. Are they going to say something to me? What do I say? I can't think of anything to say besides "hi". What do I do??? They are walking over here. Quick! Look busy so maybe they'll talk to someone else.
True story. Anyone who knows me is probably thinking "Oh... that's why she is like that." It is.
And I'm sorry. I like you. Really, I do. I care about you deeply. I really like people. I just have no idea what to say to them. Truthfully, I don't usually even know what to say to my own husband. So I usually just babble incoherently and hope I don't offend people somehow; I probably will anyway.
The worst part is that I really want to talk to people. I'm an extrovert; it's what we do. But what do you get when you have a socially awkward and shy extrovert? You get me.
I think this is why I like Facebook. I can feel like I am getting some interaction with people, but I have time to think of something to say to you and edit my responses. All of the things that introverts are able to do internally, I am somehow able to do externally through Facebook. I always say that I am better in writing than in real life. Now you know why.
And just for those who may not know me very well, this is in no way me pandering for compliments or validation. I'm really, really not. This blog is simply a space for me to get some thoughts out of my brain and some emotions off of my chest in a more positive way (they will always find a way out, but not usually in a constructive manner).
So, there you have it. I am weird. I am neurotic. I am messed up. And I am insecure. And social situations scare the crap out of me.
And I officially apologize for every interaction we may have in the future. It's not you. It's definitely me.