Comparison

I have seen this quote around a lot... mostly on Pinterest (oh, the irony!). While I think it's true that comparison does steal joy, I actually think it is much more insidious than that.

As women, comparison comes naturally to us. We all do it and most of the time we don't even realize it.

Ooh! I love her purse.
Wow, she is really beautiful.
I'm glad my teeth don't look like that.
Guess she never lost that baby weight.
She's a really bad cook.
I wish I was as creative as she is. 

And on and on it goes. We use comparison to either tear ourselves down or to build ourselves up... all at the expense of other women.

In 2 Corinthians, Paul talks about people who compare themselves with each other; he calls it foolish. Theodore Roosevelt called it a joy stealer. I agree with those things, but I also call it other, more dangerous things all together. I call comparison ugly. I call it lies. I call it pride. I call it deadly.

That voice you hear tell you those things about other women? It's not your own. I'll give you another clue - it's not God's voice, either.

Here's the deal ladies - you were not meant to be like anyone other than you. Let me say that a different way - you are not meant to be like anyone else... and that is intentional on God's part. In all all of history, there has never been another you. There never will be another you, either. Ever. God made you with your physical attributes and unique combination of abilities. Just one you. When you compare yourself to others and try to be anyone other than yourself, you are robbing the world of the unique things that only you can bring. It's true!

When I think of the years wasted hating myself, it truly makes me sad. Think of all the ways God could have used me to bless others, to glorify Him, or to build His kingdom. This habit of comparison comes from a deeply rooted insecurity that longs to be loved as we are. It's there within us all. Isn't it odd that we go about trying to find love for who we are by pretending to be someone else? But we do it all the time. That longing for love and acceptance can only be filled by Jesus. You can try to fill it with other things, but it will be a temporary fix and will likely leave you with a bigger void.

Besides hurting ourselves, do you know who else suffers when we spend our lives in comparison? The other women in our lives do. Comparison keeps you from forming meaningful relationships with other women. Instead of appreciating the unique gifts other women have, we covet the gift/ability/attribute and despise the woman. There are a small handful of things I feel I can do well. Many times, I am made to feel guilty about them by other women. I don't get affirmed, I get hurt. And I don't want to be friends with those who hurt me just as they don't want to be friends with someone they feel makes them feel insecure and worthless. Right? Do you see the nasty cycle here?

Can you imagine what it would be like if we all truly accepted and affirmed one another? Don't you want that? I know I do! And wouldn't you be more likely to accept and affirm other women if you felt loved and proud of who God made you to be? Wouldn't you feel less of a need to compare yourself to others? How many of you, right now, are destroying yourself by comparison?

So, ladies, I am calling you out! What are we going to do about it? I suggest we all start with two things:
1. When you catch yourself comparing yourself to another woman (stranger or friend) STOP IT and say something TRUE about yourself instead.
2. When you catch yourself comparing yourself to another woman, go tell her (stranger or friend) what it is that you appreciate about her instead of letting that envy strangle you. Affirm her. Make her day. Build her up.

You just never know... it might catch on.

Healed

I don't know why it has taken me so long to share this. I think, just as Mary "treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart," (Luke 2:19) so I needed to simply wonder and reflect on all of this for awhile. 

I saw the neurologist again in November and told him how I was doing much better after starting acupuncture and making some drastic dietary changes. His conclusion was that I never had anything wrong with me to begin with. While I know that his assumption was untrue (and kind of jerky), I let it go because he decided to wean me off of the awful medication he had me on. It took six weeks to wean off of the meds and I had quite a few migraines throughout the process as my body adjusted each time I stepped down on my dose. But I refused to give in to fear and I persevered. After being off of the medication entirely for a few weeks, symptoms and migraines began popping back up again. It was really, really discouraging.

After a lot of prayer, I decided I would go back on a low dose of the medication AFTER home group that week. I wanted to give God one more chance to show up and heal me and I felt strongly that I was supposed to give Him that chance.

I asked my home group to pray for me that Thursday night. As they prayed, I felt my symptoms begin to settle immediately and told them so. So they prayed some more. As they prayed for me, I suddenly had this image in my mind of me trudging along slowly, wearing a heavy black coat. Then, from behind me, something quickly pulled the coat off of me and I lifted my hands to the sky. I felt light. I felt free. I KNEW in that moment, that my migraines were gone. And they are.

Six weeks later, I am still migraine-free. I do still have to be kind to myself. If I push myself too hard or don't take good care of myself, my heart races. But there have been no migraines. Praise Jesus!

I don't know if I will ever have another migraine, but I don't expect to. I just know that God has given me my life back. He has removed the heavy burden and pain of the migraines and has allowed me to live my life again.

What He has done for me, He wants to do for your entire life. Jesus came to "bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners." (Isaiah 61:1) In short, He came to set you free. 

On Friendship

These flashes of reality that strike me from time to time are... interesting? Painful? Awkward?

Anyhoo... reality strikes again and you get to read about it. Yay. :)

In wondering how I got to be so socially awkward lately, I have come to realize that this was inadvertently self-imposed. Over the last 10 years or so, little by little along the way, I got tired of being hurt by friends and eventually just shut down. It wasn't anything I intended to do; it just sort of happened. I slowly became less and less oepn to making friends. And when you don't have friends, you don't have opportunities for social interaction. And without regular social interaction, you become a hermit/socially awkward/ME.

Kinda sad, isn't it? It's especially sad for an extrovert who could really benefit from some friendships.

The first 8 months of work, I ate at my desk in my office by myself everyday. True story. One day, a girl I had chatted with a bit asked simply, "why?" Thus began a work friendship and the beginning of regular social interaction again. I am happy to report I very rarely eat at my desk alone now. Growth. Pat on the back for me.

But all of this regular social interaction has mostly just shone a bright light on how painful it has become for me... and how bad I am at it. But I am sticking with it. Growth. Another pat on the back for me.


Truth is, I could use a good friend. But I am terrified by the thought of putting myself out there to be hurt again. I'm still not sure it's worth it.

Perhaps there is a grown-up preschool for those who need to relearn social skills? That would be pretty awesome... though I am pretty sure someone would have to force me to go.

And that's enough vulnerability for today.

It's not you. It's me.

No, really. It is.

I often wonder what people think of me. I am well aware that this is none of my business, but still... I am curious. It's not for the usual reasons, either. I don't seek any sort of ego boost or validation that people like me. I don't care if they think I'm cool or pretty or anything superficial like that. I am who I am and I am okay with me. I do wonder if they think I care about them, though. Because I do.

And so, if you have ever left any sort of interaction with me feeling like I don't care about you, 1) I am so sorry and 2) it's not you. It's me. I care about you a lot.

I am really, really socially awkward. Truly. Some days I fake it better than others. But every single social interaction is excruciatingly awkward for me (and probably for you, too... sorry about that). It doesn't matter if I've known you for years or minutes, it just is what it is.

There are some people who naturally know what to say to people. Small talk comes easily for them and they can chit chat all day long. They ask good questions and make pleasant conversation. I am not one of those people. I see someone look in my direction and my internal dialogue usually goes something like this: Oh crap. That person just looked at me. Are they going to say something to me? What do I say? I can't think of anything to say besides "hi". What do I do??? They are walking over here. Quick! Look busy so maybe they'll talk to someone else.

True story. Anyone who knows me is probably thinking "Oh... that's why she is like that." It is.

And I'm sorry. I like you. Really, I do. I care about you deeply. I really like people. I just have no idea what to say to them. Truthfully, I don't usually even know what to say to my own husband. So I usually just babble incoherently and hope I don't offend people somehow; I probably will anyway.

The worst part is that I really want to talk to people. I'm an extrovert; it's what we do. But what do you get when you have a socially awkward and shy extrovert? You get me.

I think this is why I like Facebook. I can feel like I am getting some interaction with people, but I have time to think of something to say to you and edit my responses. All of the things that introverts are able to do internally, I am somehow able to do externally through Facebook. I always say that I am better in writing than in real life. Now you know why.

And just for those who may not know me very well, this is in no way me pandering for compliments or validation. I'm really, really not. This blog is simply a space for me to get some thoughts out of my brain and some emotions off of my chest in a more positive way (they will always find a way out, but not usually in a constructive manner).

So, there you have it. I am weird. I am neurotic. I am messed up. And I am insecure. And social situations scare the crap out of me.

And I officially apologize for every interaction we may have in the future. It's not you. It's definitely me. 

On Miracles

I've been thinking about miracles a lot lately.

Now, I know that not everyone believes in God. And not everyone who believes in God believes in a God who shows up and makes Himself known. But even if you don't believe, I can tell you that I have experienced miracles first hand. I have witnessed God working in my life and in the lives of others.

God healed my broken foot. True story. A glass table fell on it over summer break in college. Another girl with me that summer prayed that God would heal my foot and nothing happened right then. After a few hours, it was obvious that I needed to go to the hospital. I saw the x-ray myself and the doctor pointed out the fracture; my foot was broken. A week later I followed up on the break at home and the doctor asked me if I was sure it was broken because the new films showed no evidence of a break at all. Since I brought my other x-rays with me, they compared the two, scratched their heads, and told me they had no idea what happened, but my foot was fine. I went into that appointment still on crutches and walked out. God showed up. Miracle.

It's a great story of God's love and power. And I have others that I have experienced for myself and seen with my own eyes. But what about the times He doesn't show up like that? If you've been following along here, you know that I've been dealing with some health issues over the last nine months. I cannot tell you how many times I cried out to God to heal me. And I don't mean I asked Him politely. I begged through raw sobs which poured out from the very depths of my being. Pitiful, desperate pleas. And each one was met with  silence.

What happened? Did God stop caring? Did He abandon me? Did He just enjoy leaving me in such misery? I have to confess that I wondered about each of those things. But those questions just don't line up with the God I know and love and trust.

As I have been pondering this idea of miracles over the past few weeks God has spoken a few things to me about miracles.
1) Sometimes God chooses to use a process of healing rather than show up and remove the pain all at once. There are often other things that need to be healed by the process that simply removing the physical issue won't accomplish.
2) Sometimes, the miracle is that He gives us the ability to keep walking in the midst of the pain. This is the miracle in my life through this time. Somehow, I kept going. When each day was a challenge I could not rise to meet, God picked me up and got me through that day. I don't honestly know how I made it to work most of those days or how I managed not to completely fall apart and refuse to get out of bed on the days I was sure I was dying. Did you know I started putting my affairs in order? That's how convinced I was that I was dying. And yet, I kept going. THAT is the miracle. That is God showing up. And He showed up every single day. It didn't make it easy, but I survived.
3) Sometimes God leads you to a source for healing. In my case, He lead me to Sara, my acupuncturist. Could God have healed me without her? Yep. But He chose not to and I have to trust that He knows what He's doing. (And He does... and I am healing).

Truth is, He still shows up every single day. The trouble is that we miss Him or we don't recognize Him when He shows up. Friends, there are miracles all around you every single day. Stop and notice the work of God in your life. Learn to recognize the miracles that don't look like what you've asked for. I asked for healing, and I am being healed. But more than that, I have learned to let go. I have learned to praise Him and trust Him when I don't see Him nearby. I have learned to stop, breathe, and be present in my life. And I have learned to accept help. I have not mastered any of these things, but they have a place in my life where they were absent before.

Those are miracles.

Photos

A few people asked to see the photos I submitted to the show, so I thought it would be easiest to just post them here. You can click the image to view it larger.

And now... rest.

I have finally turned a corner with my health issues, I believe. I have gone almost a month with NO SYMPTOMS. Not just no migraines, but no pain, no elevated heart rate, no vertigo, no nothin'. Nada. Zilch. Zip. Symptom-free.

Wow.

I can honestly say that I never thought I'd get through to other other side of that madness. I did not even dare to think of this place; it was too painful to hope when I was stuck in hell. But here I am. And I have been here for almost a month, too afraid to say anything for fear that it might all unravel as I tumble back into the misery I was in. But I am not afraid anymore. I am not afraid. I am not afraid to think of the future. I am not afraid to make plans. I am not afraid to go to sleep at night. I am free.

Does this mean I will never have symptoms again? Probably not. I have a feeling things will crop up from time to time. But I have come to a place where I don't anticipate the next attack popping up just around the corner. I'm not sure exactly when that happened, actually. It was not a defined moment, but more like peering at a reflection of what now lies behind me. For once, in more than six months, I feel good. And by good I mean that I feel like myself again. It's nice to be back.

I have learned a lot over the last six months. I'd like to share a few of those things with you now.

I have learned to function within the reality of death, without the comfort of the delusion of immortality that we all cling to just so we can function from day to day. I have learned to say no and not to feel guilty about it. I have learned that I have limits (which I really hate) and that I must set them for myself or suffer the consequences. I have learned to simplify my life and to be content with not striving to be the best at everything all the time. I have even learned to accept help, though it is still a struggle. I have learned that Traditional Chinese Medicine works wonders, especially if you take responsibility for your own health. I have learned that food is powerful and will either heal you or harm you. I have learned that giving up things I never imagined I could isn't really all that difficult. I have learned that God may not work in ways I want Him to or expect Him to when I want Him to, but He never fails me; He always comes through. And I have learned that I am stronger than I thought I was. Not stronger in a physical sense, but able to expand and carry far more than I ever thought I could. It's amazing what you can do when you have no choice but to do what you think you cannot.

Most days, I simply walk through my day to the rhythm of my own tune; my own Ode to Joy that simply cries, "Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. For everything."

Still pressing on...